Well. It had to happen sooner or later. If you ever wanted to simulate taking edibles while having a fever as a toddler begs for your attention, Son of Godzilla is your movie. It’s kinda trippy, and not in a good way. There are some emotional notes, and some of the creature designs are pretty mint, but overall this movie is a pain in the ass. Mystery Science Theater 3000 lampooned a couple of Godzilla movies, notably the A+ previous feature Ebirah, Horror of the Deep, but this should have been at the top of their list.

The film is, however, predicated on a team of scientists researching weather control in order to solve global food shortages. In 1967, the Great Chinese Famine of 1959-1961 was still part of recent memory. The planned economy of China’s Great Leap Forward saw local governors over-reporting harvests, which were confiscated and redistributed at the State’s discretion, and rationed to the newly founded people’s communes. The ensuing famine was the largest in history and resulted in tens of millions of deaths. In contrast to that, in India in 1966, there was a famine induced by drought, but it was not nearly as bad. Government aid, as opposed to forced quotas, helped alleviate the situation, as well as sizeable donations of crops from the US. The United States sent an entire fifth of their wheat production to India at this time.

The food shortage threat was very real, but instead of controlling the weather, there was another alternative: genetically modifying crops to thrive in harsh conditions. Enter Norman Borlaug, whose research on wheat in Mexico led him to South Asia in the 60s, and helped India double their wheat production between 1960 and 1970. Borlaug won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1970 and is credited with saving over a billion people worldwide from starvation. So the next time you hear about how awful GMOs are, remember Norman Borlaug, his efforts, the tens of millions who died of famine in China, and just how utterly stupid the scientists are in this Godzilla film in particular.

Does anyone know a good personal injury lawyer I can contact? Because the quality of Ebirah and Jun Fukuda’s follow-up Son of Godzilla just gave me whiplash. You almost wonder if Toho Studios told him to tone it down a notch, and Fukuda over-corrected in the opposite direction. Ed Godziszewski of The Criterion Collection calls this “arguably [Masaru Sato’s] best Godzilla film work” and I don’t know if some crazed fanboy was holding him at gunpoint or what because it pales in comparison to Ebirah‘s surf rock score. Not only is it just bad in comparison, it’s the most cookie-cutter 60s family sitcom score you’ll ever hear. It’s Gilligan’s Island all the way through, with a couple notable exceptions. The “Doing Science!” theme is ambitious, and when we first meet the giant mantises, Kamacuras, the maraca infused beats are crazy good. Son of Godzilla also takes place on a South Pacific island, a cost-saving measure that avoids the construction (and subsequent destruction) of intricate city models. Freelance reporter Maki Goro, played by Akira Kubo (the hapless inventor from Invasion of Astro-Monster) lands on Solgell Island, where he meets scientist Fujisaki, played by Akihiko Hirata, (of Godzilla, Ebirah, and more, now sporting both eyes). He also stumbles across a “native” woman on the island, Saeko, played by Bibari “Beverly” Maeda (we’ll later learn she is actually Japanese). Bev is honestly the best cast member of this movie and it’s insane that she isn’t involved in more productions after this. She has a cool, sly, and daring style; a refreshing contrast to the indignant and often over-acted parts of the rest of the cast.

In the opening scene, the crew of a cargo plane picks up some interference that’s “like brainwaves” ….ok fine. Later, it looks like the source of the interference is this egg that a group of Kamacuras have found. Out hatches a baby Godzilla, in his round plump Thanksgiving turkey-lizard form. He’s nicknamed “Minilla” like a mini-Godzilla, and just about the most hideous little freak you’ve ever set eyes on. I know the theme of this film is anti-bullying, but at this point I’m almost rooting for the Kamacuras. I’m embellishing; it actually is sad when they’re poking at him. Wrestler “Little Man” Machan does do an athletic job with the task he’s given as the Minilla suit actor.

Godzilla shows up, drawn to his son’s cry, and starts livin’ that Dad Life. He protects his son from the Kamacuras and then immediately takes a nap. Seriously, half of this film is Godzilla napping. The Kamacuras fight is decent, especially considering they’re enormous puppets. Sadamasa Arikawa is now billed as top special effects director, and these insect props took around twenty men to operate. In order to accentuate the size and age difference, a taller Godzilla suit was made, and big suits need big actors to fill them. Original actor Haruo Nakajima shot a couple scenes in the legacy suit, but Seji Onaka was hired to follow those garage-sized footsteps. Before they depart though, Saeko throws Minilla a melon and there are no laws of physics that justify this melon’s trajectory. Godzilla, being the concerned parent he is, warns Minilla not to screw around with Humanity. Sound advice overall.

Minilla grows a bit the next time we see him and damn if he didn’t look like a stoned baby when he first hatched, he sure as hell does now. The rest of the movie is mostly cutesy scenes of Minilla learning from Godzilla and playing around like a toddler. In a lot of quality kids movies, the children have a certain juvenile cunning, living in their own world unique to the perspective of youth, and often pointing out the pitfalls and flaws of adulthood. Son of Godzilla is not that. It’s Caillou with kaiju. There are a couple of semi-endearing scenes though. Minilla is trying to blow radiation breath, but can only blow smoke rings. Godzilla shows him how, but Minilla overreacts to the loud noise and Godzilla comes close to smacking him one for being a coward. On the next attempt, Godzilla steps on his tail, and he’s humorously able to go full blast.

Throughout this entire sequence, it doesn’t really matter what the humans are up to. They messed up their own experiment, and end up blasting the island with a massive heat wave, eventually solving it with a freezing balloon. They escape while Godzilla and his son are frozen in a paternal embrace. The horrors of nuclear war, everybody! It’s kinda cute, kinda moving, but overall entirely skippable. Check out some clips of the Kamacuras and the giant spider Kumonga and call it a day. I hear parenthood changes a person, and maybe knowing the joys and pains of fatherhood would shift my perspective on this one. Doesn’t seem worth the effort though to enjoy a low budget kaiju film from over half a century ago.